My Fallacies and my Downfall
I seek not the cure for the ailing heart but the understanding of my fallacies, the scourge that resides within this living vassal of mine. Grateful am i in gifted on the revelation of my regretful undoings but knowing the reason and rhyme of such remains the elusive factor in my quest of repentance and attaining a pure clean heart.
My eyes, seeketh what the mind yearns, a desire that i fall prey due to my weak embodiment and state. My hands, seeketh the short lived treasures of whom i have of no rights of possession nor do any other Man. My mind, seeketh to stand above the wild multitude not for the praise, oh for i fear appraisals, but for the materialistic gains in having an easier passage through life and to fulfill the wretched earthly desires of myself.
Amongst the man, i see my flaws enlarged. I yearn improvements to my own at the expense of others who fall behind. Time and again, the exhorbitant cost of building this magnificent castle walls adorned with ribbons of pride acts like a self-reflecting mirror of my true form. Things i have seen and done, the marks of the greater man, one i used to beg of Thee, Lord of the Worlds, as an ignorant, helpless and broken lad, is a reality i basked in splendour. In the pursuit of this noble endeavour, i lost the reason of my journey and let the blemishes that comes with my ribbons plagued my unready heart.
Know do i of all the luxuries i have. Once upon a distant past, i beg to Thee for me to be the exemplar of my brethren. To purify my mind and to increase my knowledge beyond those of my kind and time. And a desperate plea does the Almighty often shine his blessings upon not as a lifeline but as their ultimate test. One that i have failed for i am but a common man far from a saint but instead, a living denial. A man, given his status and perfection in his ignorant eyes, i see how the devil plays with all one has. The more he have the more he craves like an addiction that few could withstand. And then comes the poison, the taint of the heart. Envy, strife, power.
Deep down, the young man in me knows that which the copied exterior does not. To return to His Grace, to plead once more for another or renewed nobler aim. To fall back to my knees on my own in a silent prayer. With all i was bestowed upon, the preparations i had, a disappointment i have been. If my youth had seen the veins of decay in the idolised present, he would have repented and seek to be close to the One first before being entrusted such responsibility.
The greatest fear i have of my disgraced self, is one of pride. Oh for this fear breaks not my sweat but often brings me to solitude, shunning the lights and trembling in distaste. Understand that i despise appraisals for i was brought up as such. My fear stems not due to falling short of future expectations but rather the fear that such would feed the unsatiable hunger of the egoistic monster within. Oh yes i know of him in me, the burning feeling that speaks of competence and competition together. I starve of him much, by refusing to acknowledge my works, rather to have another soul bask in my proud works, -for the inspiration comes as a gift and a test from Him-.
Yet, truth be told, the taints of the world i am in, pollutes the vassal of mine. For without acknowledgement how could i attain the next level of self-worth? Pride breeds envy. The mind knows of my fallacies for when the monster within is fed, it wallows in discontent from the things it doesnt deserve.
The cage of my hapless past is the same as that of my present one albeit the change of a coat of paint, perhaps more. The core resides, wanting to break free from the bonds that holds me to my earthly desires and from my once pure aim of being the exemplar to my brethren- as the khulafa' of my time- the leader of the righteous and those that seeks to be. But to break it, it means severing either the emotional aspect of my existence further and to find one that not a common man like my present self can comprehend. Self-fulfillment in another pathway. The nirvana of the sufis. Or to lose my attachments of this world, the ones that i have held onto so dearly and glorified. Hence, in my quest for enlightenment, the sacrifices i have envisaged, i am to learn.
My eyes, seeketh what the mind yearns, a desire that i fall prey due to my weak embodiment and state. My hands, seeketh the short lived treasures of whom i have of no rights of possession nor do any other Man. My mind, seeketh to stand above the wild multitude not for the praise, oh for i fear appraisals, but for the materialistic gains in having an easier passage through life and to fulfill the wretched earthly desires of myself.
Amongst the man, i see my flaws enlarged. I yearn improvements to my own at the expense of others who fall behind. Time and again, the exhorbitant cost of building this magnificent castle walls adorned with ribbons of pride acts like a self-reflecting mirror of my true form. Things i have seen and done, the marks of the greater man, one i used to beg of Thee, Lord of the Worlds, as an ignorant, helpless and broken lad, is a reality i basked in splendour. In the pursuit of this noble endeavour, i lost the reason of my journey and let the blemishes that comes with my ribbons plagued my unready heart.
Know do i of all the luxuries i have. Once upon a distant past, i beg to Thee for me to be the exemplar of my brethren. To purify my mind and to increase my knowledge beyond those of my kind and time. And a desperate plea does the Almighty often shine his blessings upon not as a lifeline but as their ultimate test. One that i have failed for i am but a common man far from a saint but instead, a living denial. A man, given his status and perfection in his ignorant eyes, i see how the devil plays with all one has. The more he have the more he craves like an addiction that few could withstand. And then comes the poison, the taint of the heart. Envy, strife, power.
Deep down, the young man in me knows that which the copied exterior does not. To return to His Grace, to plead once more for another or renewed nobler aim. To fall back to my knees on my own in a silent prayer. With all i was bestowed upon, the preparations i had, a disappointment i have been. If my youth had seen the veins of decay in the idolised present, he would have repented and seek to be close to the One first before being entrusted such responsibility.
The greatest fear i have of my disgraced self, is one of pride. Oh for this fear breaks not my sweat but often brings me to solitude, shunning the lights and trembling in distaste. Understand that i despise appraisals for i was brought up as such. My fear stems not due to falling short of future expectations but rather the fear that such would feed the unsatiable hunger of the egoistic monster within. Oh yes i know of him in me, the burning feeling that speaks of competence and competition together. I starve of him much, by refusing to acknowledge my works, rather to have another soul bask in my proud works, -for the inspiration comes as a gift and a test from Him-.
Yet, truth be told, the taints of the world i am in, pollutes the vassal of mine. For without acknowledgement how could i attain the next level of self-worth? Pride breeds envy. The mind knows of my fallacies for when the monster within is fed, it wallows in discontent from the things it doesnt deserve.
The cage of my hapless past is the same as that of my present one albeit the change of a coat of paint, perhaps more. The core resides, wanting to break free from the bonds that holds me to my earthly desires and from my once pure aim of being the exemplar to my brethren- as the khulafa' of my time- the leader of the righteous and those that seeks to be. But to break it, it means severing either the emotional aspect of my existence further and to find one that not a common man like my present self can comprehend. Self-fulfillment in another pathway. The nirvana of the sufis. Or to lose my attachments of this world, the ones that i have held onto so dearly and glorified. Hence, in my quest for enlightenment, the sacrifices i have envisaged, i am to learn.
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