The week
Lets all be honest over here. We have all been hurt before, somewhat unjustly and somehow illogically it turns out to be your own fault. It makes you suspect if it is actually the doing of a third party. If you could turn back time, could you have changed the way you reacted. Are you willing to kill your ego and go on your knees.
Love. It kills you inside. If it doesnt, the poison will, slowly. It makes you trust less people. And hate some and you start to classify them as just about the same type of peoples the ones you were hurt with. Heartless. Cold. And you cry, seeking warmth in those that had known you long enough. But the truth is. The inconceivable truth is, have you come to realise that YOU are the heartless and cold one.
These days, I've spent sleepless nights. Mind tossled. Pain. Broken. Helpless. And alone. Seeking understanding and seeing the full picture. Anger. Betrayal. And... pain. All the while, putting up the best of smiles and laughter as I always had. I'd rather be the comforter than the comforted. Rather let my soul carry the burden of the million and one problems I have than to share it to the people around me and add myself to their problem. I have many issues with the people around me, mind you, but i choose to accept them as who they are and forgive them no matter how illogical and cruel they may be. After all, who am I to judge?
The past week have been a tough week on the emotional side. Mentally drained, I've faced problems I never thought I could handle. I tend to put myself in other people's shoes first before adding my own into the equation. But for this week, I really cannot. For quite a while now, I'm under severe depression. The only thing I want to do is to go back to bed, and waste away my life. I need to gain my composure but problems after problems keeps piling at the wrong time. Strong men, they break down sometimes. You know its big when you see a man cry.
I've lived most of my life as an inadequate. A lone ranger, with only Allah to talk to at nights. Years ago, I remember myself crying on the prayer mat, "Grant me knowledge, to prove my worth and a pleasing look so that I can lead my friends and family to be closer to You." All my life, I wanted to be a khalifah. But love is a dangerous poison. Years later, my ambition have changed.
This week, a scenario played all over again. One that put real stress to a whole new level, one that beats all projects and exams. What happened was, a Mindef object broke. It was in my hands and I was using the object for an assignment. A group of my friends who were playing roughly among themselves, mind you we were supposed to do the assignment together, accidentally knocked into me in the back. That caused the object to be flung out of my hands and it broke. I took full responsibility of it, without fear.
My particulars were taken down, and reported twice. My commander, did the interrogation himself. My guilty-faced friends, they dare not say a word, obviously afraid of the consequences. I do not know why, but that day, I told a lie. Said that I stumbled and broke the object, and that I was fully accountable for it. I did it to save the neck of these guys. Unfortunately, it meant I had to face the music alone. This was similar to the day back in JC. The day, the school office wanted an explanation for a forged receipt. I remember vividly, I was prepared to be expelled from the school and take full responsibility of the incident. Its like an instinct to me. To take the blame and save the people around me. Im scared. I just wish that someday, someone could actually be there for me too. Im scared... ive never felt so lonely... but times like that, you find the best of people too.....
I know i am stronger than this. I shall endure this with great patience. Even if I receive no acknowledgement or reply for the well wishes or apology I have said, I shall stay strong and withstand the upcoming challenging week ahead. Let justice and empathy prevail. Amin.
Love. It kills you inside. If it doesnt, the poison will, slowly. It makes you trust less people. And hate some and you start to classify them as just about the same type of peoples the ones you were hurt with. Heartless. Cold. And you cry, seeking warmth in those that had known you long enough. But the truth is. The inconceivable truth is, have you come to realise that YOU are the heartless and cold one.
These days, I've spent sleepless nights. Mind tossled. Pain. Broken. Helpless. And alone. Seeking understanding and seeing the full picture. Anger. Betrayal. And... pain. All the while, putting up the best of smiles and laughter as I always had. I'd rather be the comforter than the comforted. Rather let my soul carry the burden of the million and one problems I have than to share it to the people around me and add myself to their problem. I have many issues with the people around me, mind you, but i choose to accept them as who they are and forgive them no matter how illogical and cruel they may be. After all, who am I to judge?
The past week have been a tough week on the emotional side. Mentally drained, I've faced problems I never thought I could handle. I tend to put myself in other people's shoes first before adding my own into the equation. But for this week, I really cannot. For quite a while now, I'm under severe depression. The only thing I want to do is to go back to bed, and waste away my life. I need to gain my composure but problems after problems keeps piling at the wrong time. Strong men, they break down sometimes. You know its big when you see a man cry.
I've lived most of my life as an inadequate. A lone ranger, with only Allah to talk to at nights. Years ago, I remember myself crying on the prayer mat, "Grant me knowledge, to prove my worth and a pleasing look so that I can lead my friends and family to be closer to You." All my life, I wanted to be a khalifah. But love is a dangerous poison. Years later, my ambition have changed.
This week, a scenario played all over again. One that put real stress to a whole new level, one that beats all projects and exams. What happened was, a Mindef object broke. It was in my hands and I was using the object for an assignment. A group of my friends who were playing roughly among themselves, mind you we were supposed to do the assignment together, accidentally knocked into me in the back. That caused the object to be flung out of my hands and it broke. I took full responsibility of it, without fear.
My particulars were taken down, and reported twice. My commander, did the interrogation himself. My guilty-faced friends, they dare not say a word, obviously afraid of the consequences. I do not know why, but that day, I told a lie. Said that I stumbled and broke the object, and that I was fully accountable for it. I did it to save the neck of these guys. Unfortunately, it meant I had to face the music alone. This was similar to the day back in JC. The day, the school office wanted an explanation for a forged receipt. I remember vividly, I was prepared to be expelled from the school and take full responsibility of the incident. Its like an instinct to me. To take the blame and save the people around me. Im scared. I just wish that someday, someone could actually be there for me too. Im scared... ive never felt so lonely... but times like that, you find the best of people too.....
I know i am stronger than this. I shall endure this with great patience. Even if I receive no acknowledgement or reply for the well wishes or apology I have said, I shall stay strong and withstand the upcoming challenging week ahead. Let justice and empathy prevail. Amin.
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