Finding my Feet

What does it feel like, waking up from a very long and bad dream? What does it feel like to wake up and find yourself in the midst of strangers? Sometimes I do wonder if everyone got the year wrong. Where was I the past few years? Looking in the mirror, I know I've aged a lot. I have aged. The question is, am I ready to face reality? 

Everything had moved so fast. Last I remember was a period of utter collapse. Everything that I had stood for and all my principles were put to the ultimate test. And I had failed. I had failed so hard that perhaps that was the main reason for my eventual long slumber. I had failed in my dreams, my drive, my morals, my care and myself. If you knew me a few years back, the Wan you knew probably had so much more to show and to give. What is left is but an empty hollow husk. But I had fought the good fight and this is but a small price to pay. 

Rejection came in a time when my morals were being tested. If you knew me long enough, you'd know that my sense of justice can be severe and self-inflicting. There are many things that I cannot stand namely selfish people and especially people who look down on others. However, in my desperate bid to protect the weak and right the wrongs I had seen, I myself had turned into a monster of epic proportion. This was nearing the end of my NS days. I became the wrath behind the smile, abusing whatever little power I had to manipulate the people around me. You have no idea the amount of guilt and regret in my weary, weary heart. If only you could see a glimpse of how deep my sorry is for the victims of my justice. Since those days, I vowed to walk away from any trouble that may mean returning that monster inside of me. I don't want to hurt anyone. 

Amplifying the apparent moral demise, came the change in my ambitions. My whole life I had always wanted to be the champion of the voiceless and the repressed. It matters not that I had no money or family. Helping others takes precedent over it all and that was why I wanted to be someone with power who could make a change. Perhaps maybe a lawyer to help the poor and the helpless or an ambassador for the people. I wanted to repay back my parents who stood by these noble dreams I had till the very end. That was why I've worked very hard all these years. If only you knew how much tears and sweat I shed to be where I am. Literal tears of frustration and determination. I came so far only to fall short. Interviews after interviews went by. I was shortlisted for many scholarships and law interviews. Eventually, the rejection letter came one by one. That was when I got scared. I had failed my parents who had strongly supported my dreams. When the final rejection letter came, I didn't have the mood to talk to anyone. I was tired.

And then there were also the people around me, all my dear friends and loved ones of whom I treasured a lot and of whom due to unfortunate circumstances had to part ways. Or rather I isolated myself for good with a heavy heart. I may be upset and depressed by then but my thoughts are rational and in the interest of everyone around me but myself. I have nothing to gain from it. All I ever did was for the best of everyone and for many good reasons that someday 10 years down the road, perhaps they will thank me for. After all, back then I was hurting everyone around me. It was best not to drag anyone into my troubles.

Since then, I walked aimlessly for many months trying to get my life back together but failing. I eventually settled to work myself to death. In February 2016 I was working 4 jobs at once. One full-time and 3 part-time. Some days I would be working 48 hours non-stop back-to-back work covering morning and night shifts. Working makes me forget my own problems but it took a toll on my health. There are times when I simply just crashed right onto my work desk due to exhaustion. Perhaps two more months and I would have worked myself to death. And that was when I met Sarah and Nicholas. Two souls so pure. For one thing, they gave me the energy to work and I look forward to seeing them every single day. They brought a little life back into me. Although Nic left earlier by April, Sarah stayed. No words I type can ever describe this small little girl with a giant heart. She is perhaps the second person in the entire world who can make me laugh for just absolutely nothing at all. She forced me on her daily 'exercises' in the staircase to burn off the snacks we ate and shared all these hilarious secret code words. She made breakfast for me every single day too without fail and then we would punish ourselves for eating too many food in the pantry. She'd find a million ways to annoy me including forcing me to listen to her Andrew Bird songs. But above it all, even when I told her the evil in my heart and my wrath, she chose to believe that I did it for the good of everyone around me. If you are ever reading this Sarah, thank you for being one of the greatest friend I ever had and for believing the good in me. 

However, I was but one of her tons of other friends and deep down, I knew that some day I will have to let her go. I would be surprised if she isn't a minister when she's older. When she left on an overseas scholarship, once again, my world turned a little colder. Occasionally, Marzuqi and Dini would be there for me, two constants who stood by me, without questioning my actions. They make me happy for I know I am not alone in my struggles to find back my feet. It saddens me though too because they remind me of a once happy memory I had years back which would never materialize again. Thank you guys for having me part of the 99%. I really appreciate it.

Coming to the present as I continued in my daze, MOE handed me a lifeline. Maybe perhaps if I could not achieve my dreams, I could instead inspire others to achieve theirs? This way, I could help more people, be it the helpless or the weak. Still in a stupor, I made contact with so many hearts so big and accommodating. Be it my beloved Nalanda team of whom I went on an overseas trip with or my cherished physics classmates, the Physicoolombs, whose antics always makes me a little more alive, I am blessed to have gone through quite an experience and to learn from it all. 

Last year, as part of the Meranti Project, 20 of us had to share our life stories. As I recounted my life story, I got a little emotional and I cried a little. I realised how far I have actually gone through from the early days of poverty to now and for God to complete this artwork of His. At the end of the two day project, everyone in the room thought  that I had the most saddest but yet inspiring story of them all. Many of whom gave me encouraging words and their support. But then again, that would be another story to tell.